HELPFUL INFORMATION
A JOURNEY OF LOSS.
When I lost my two teenage sons in a car crash in July of 2005 I had no idea of the road ahead. I was not prepared for the learning journey I would be on nor did I have a clue on how to help others help me.
As the months went on and the visitors stopped visiting and the phone calls stopped coming I soon realized that not only was this road hard for me, it was also hard for those closest to me. In particular I found it difficult to accept that at a time when I needed them the most some friends seemed to stay away, worse yet some friendships ceased to exist.During the first few months of my grief I did the best I could to research and find information and tips for those who I considered to be my closest friends, in need of help themselves, after all, I knew that I would need their ongoing support for many years if not the rest of my days grieving the loss of a child is something that cannot be done alone.When a parent loses a child friends can be a lifeline to the grieving mum and dad as well as siblings in the family.How friends react can make a difference in how well the bereaved family is able to survive not only during the early days, weeks and months but in the long term.Those of us who have lost a child are not only dealing with the loss of the child, but in a sense the loss of ourselves, everything we believed in, stood for and held dear has been shattered and as a result we are trying to begin a new 'normal'.As a friend you can be a great help and support by remembering a couple of key things:1. We may not want to do what we did before in our friendship. Be prepared that if for example we shopped and danced with you before the loss of our child it will be quite some time (if ever) before we have the energy or desire to do those things again.Often what we need most is a quiet chat, a cuppa and a cry, sometimes just having someone sitting in the same room is all we need.2. Realize that we may not want to chat on the phone or return text messages, for some of us we have nothing left to say, it will be up to you to instigate the communication, often we may want to sit and listen to what's going on in your life but may not feel the need or even have the energy to talk. Be patient we may feel like calling one day and we need to know you are still there.3. Be mindful that for us particular dates are of even more importance now. We need to know that others are thinking of them on the day they passed, and on their birthday, we need mostly to know that someone is thinking about the pain we as the parents or siblings are going through on those dates. Yes its hard for you but remember its even harder for us and a simple call, text or email to say "hi, just thinking about you" means so much and not just in the early months but always.4. It may feel at times that we are pushing you away, as a grieving parent I found it difficult to give any of me to any one person, and a declined invitation or not returning a call may seem to you that we are pushing you away, BUT we are not , it just means at that time we had no strength to chat, be patient and know that we still love and need you.5. Don't ask us to call you if WE NEED, that wont happen, we need YOU to check up on us every now and then, we don't know when we need, we hurt so much that we don't think of ourselves, we are only thinking of what we have lost, suffice it to say, WE NEED and we will need often.Above all just know this, we are suffering the greatest loss of all, and we will endure this pain till we meet our children again, the last thing we need is to lose is our closest friends, we have enough sad inside of us without the sadness of losing a treasured friend.Michelle CoFounder of H.O.P.E
As the months went on and the visitors stopped visiting and the phone calls stopped coming I soon realized that not only was this road hard for me, it was also hard for those closest to me. In particular I found it difficult to accept that at a time when I needed them the most some friends seemed to stay away, worse yet some friendships ceased to exist.During the first few months of my grief I did the best I could to research and find information and tips for those who I considered to be my closest friends, in need of help themselves, after all, I knew that I would need their ongoing support for many years if not the rest of my days grieving the loss of a child is something that cannot be done alone.When a parent loses a child friends can be a lifeline to the grieving mum and dad as well as siblings in the family.How friends react can make a difference in how well the bereaved family is able to survive not only during the early days, weeks and months but in the long term.Those of us who have lost a child are not only dealing with the loss of the child, but in a sense the loss of ourselves, everything we believed in, stood for and held dear has been shattered and as a result we are trying to begin a new 'normal'.As a friend you can be a great help and support by remembering a couple of key things:1. We may not want to do what we did before in our friendship. Be prepared that if for example we shopped and danced with you before the loss of our child it will be quite some time (if ever) before we have the energy or desire to do those things again.Often what we need most is a quiet chat, a cuppa and a cry, sometimes just having someone sitting in the same room is all we need.2. Realize that we may not want to chat on the phone or return text messages, for some of us we have nothing left to say, it will be up to you to instigate the communication, often we may want to sit and listen to what's going on in your life but may not feel the need or even have the energy to talk. Be patient we may feel like calling one day and we need to know you are still there.3. Be mindful that for us particular dates are of even more importance now. We need to know that others are thinking of them on the day they passed, and on their birthday, we need mostly to know that someone is thinking about the pain we as the parents or siblings are going through on those dates. Yes its hard for you but remember its even harder for us and a simple call, text or email to say "hi, just thinking about you" means so much and not just in the early months but always.4. It may feel at times that we are pushing you away, as a grieving parent I found it difficult to give any of me to any one person, and a declined invitation or not returning a call may seem to you that we are pushing you away, BUT we are not , it just means at that time we had no strength to chat, be patient and know that we still love and need you.5. Don't ask us to call you if WE NEED, that wont happen, we need YOU to check up on us every now and then, we don't know when we need, we hurt so much that we don't think of ourselves, we are only thinking of what we have lost, suffice it to say, WE NEED and we will need often.Above all just know this, we are suffering the greatest loss of all, and we will endure this pain till we meet our children again, the last thing we need is to lose is our closest friends, we have enough sad inside of us without the sadness of losing a treasured friend.Michelle CoFounder of H.O.P.E
The Death of a Sibling What worked for us.........
The support of the friends of my son's.—the support and contact from the boy's mates was what she needed. They would come around and take her out every now and then or pop in for a chat. This was not something I asked of them, this is something they wanted to do. These were the people she could relate too, she had a connection with them,. They came around and shared stories and made her laugh, that's what she needed, as hard as it was for me to see them it was great for her and eventually for me as well. They all continue to support us and in particular my daughter to this day.Learning to read her body language— was another thing that worked, just being mindful, learning how to read her facial expressions just as she had with me. No words had to be said. I was able to tell when she was having a bad day or moment and then perhaps start a conversation off about the boys or something they had done, this in turn would encourage her to talk about them and more importantly let her know it was ok to do so.As time went on I really didn't need to 'help' her as such, it was more the other way around, if I was sad or tearful about something that I had seen or a memory or thought she would say "mum don't be sad, they are happy memories" such simple words and so very true, but for the mum hard to do. Nevertheless I would say "your right" and then we would talk about them.Something I did learn early though, was NOT to make her attend the cemetery, I felt it was the right thing to do, but that's because it was right for me, for her it was just a sad event and after all as she so often said "she has happy memories of them" and didn't need to go there as they were not there anyway.I know others in my shoes have helped their other children by seeking counselling support, and for some it has been a real help but the general feeling about what to do is usually listen to them, they will let you know what they need.I found that Like adults, children differ in the way they react to death. Their age and the relationship they had with their brother or sister who has passed away, will make a difference. The most important component is how you, the parent, relate to them in the aftermath of the death.For me I withdrew, so to an extent so did my daughter, she did not withdraw to a deep inner place though, rather, she withdrew from the house and the situation into the company of others, the friends of the boys.One thing I did learn early on is that children are not mini adults, they have their own distinct way of understanding things, depending on how old they are. Perhaps the older the child the more understanding they are of 'forever' in terms of never seeing that sibling again and as such it is harder to fathom, perhaps the younger they are is a blessing in that the term 'forever' may not seem so prominent in their thoughts, maybe this is why they seem so resilient.One thing I feel to be true though, is that it is best for families to grieve together. A young child should not witness the total collapse of a parent, but tears which overflow out of sadness for what has happened, are to be shared. They need to know that its ok to cry, and that the tears can come at any time and that's ok too.It is impossible to go through life without hurting. It would be wonderful if we could promise our children life without pain. We can't. Grieving together will teach your child that sad and unfair things happen, and that we can survive them.This is my fav quote about life...When something bad happens you have 3 choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you.....
I was sent the quote below last night by a lovely lady I know, it is in line with the very quote I firmly believe in written above and thought I would share.....
"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you."
Now don't take me wrong, I completely understand it is not this simple, it took me some time after losing my boys before I really understood this and decided to make a stand, I recall sitting on a beach at a holiday that I probably didn't want to go on with Todd Georgia and the dogs and saying to my boys "How long will I have to carry this sadness because its really getting heavy and I don't think I can continue, for some reason on that day I said no way I have to change how I think about it because I have to continue on and I then came across the quote at the top and thought , yes that's right, figure it out girlfriend and it seems I did. Yes I am sad and boy do I miss my boys every day but everyday that I get up and put one foot forward I know that they are being honoured by me and would be impressed/pleased maybe even proud of what I have become and what I am yet to achieve..... Michelle C-Founder H.O.P.E
Alan B. CarnahanThe Compassionate Friends/USA
I was sent the quote below last night by a lovely lady I know, it is in line with the very quote I firmly believe in written above and thought I would share.....
"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you."
Now don't take me wrong, I completely understand it is not this simple, it took me some time after losing my boys before I really understood this and decided to make a stand, I recall sitting on a beach at a holiday that I probably didn't want to go on with Todd Georgia and the dogs and saying to my boys "How long will I have to carry this sadness because its really getting heavy and I don't think I can continue, for some reason on that day I said no way I have to change how I think about it because I have to continue on and I then came across the quote at the top and thought , yes that's right, figure it out girlfriend and it seems I did. Yes I am sad and boy do I miss my boys every day but everyday that I get up and put one foot forward I know that they are being honoured by me and would be impressed/pleased maybe even proud of what I have become and what I am yet to achieve..... Michelle C-Founder H.O.P.E
Alan B. CarnahanThe Compassionate Friends/USA
From One Grieving Parent To Another.........
If you could only imagineYou say it's time for me to "move on" in my grief. Perhaps you're right or perhaps you just don't realize what you're asking. So, why don't you try this little exercise and maybe it will help you get a better perspective on what I am going through.To make this really hit home for you it should be practiced for at least 24 hours. The longer the better; but, we do not have that long, so we will do it for 10 minutes. Don't blow this off as a stupid idea. It works along the same lines as blindfolding yourself to experience being without sight.First of all, think about your child. I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world..... that your beloved child died. Whatever age or stage of development, whether he or she lives with you or not, just imagine you won't ever see that child on earth again. Let me explain to you the reality...try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing his/her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.... never hearing them say "I love you"...nothing - just silence, emptiness.....Now imagine never seeing your child's smile, never seeing him upset or happy, never watching him sleep...missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7. You smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at his pictures and can only cry - what happened, why?.. You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear his voice, to see his face again,...and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix this. Now, imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Every thing you loved now hurts like hell...For example: music. I used to be a band director. Music was a big part of my life. Now it's hard for me to listen to it It sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open.. especially rap music......my son loved rap music. Almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child. I am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know. That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example!Now imagine calling all your family and friends to tell them your child died.Next; go to a funeral home and discuss caskets or cremation, headstone, burial plots, etc. Pick out a favorite outfit for your child to be buried in and the flowers that lay at the alter. Sit down and write out the obituary for the newspaper, pick out the music to be played at their memorial and picking out pictures of them to put around the funeral home. Get in his closet of his room and hold onto his clothes that he wore and cry until there are no more tears. Then repeat this until you think you're losing your mind and your gut is wrenching.If you made it through that part you are ready for the next step.As good parents, we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, we cannot make it better. So; on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helplessness..out of control hopelessness...and this is universal. Every parent that truly loves their child will feel this. Are you starting to imagine now how it feels?Just think you are doing this exercise for only 10 minutes, imagine... really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 - day after day, month after month, year after year and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to; memories of your child play over and over in your mind. Your child when he was a baby, a laughing happy little boy, a handsome young teen, a wonderful young man/ woman and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child's life...but; that is a fear you have. You fear that as time passes, you will start to forget...so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions. This is what it really feels like. A part of you has died.... don't just read the words, FEEL them - DIED...... gone forever... a real, beautiful, living part of you has died... and you are still living. Left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life.NO WONDER!!!!!During all of this remember, the world hasn't stopped. If you have a job, you will have to return to it. The power company and everyone else still wants their payment each month. You may have doctor's bills, ambulance bills, and attorney fees if an accident was involved. If your child died at the hands of another, there will be a trial and publicity.If you were blessed to have other children; you will have to deal with their grief as well as your own. They will still have homework, tests, reports, projects and the class bully. You feel the loss with every thought, every emotion. The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. Even with your other children...you still love your other children just as much as always, but, as hard as it is... even they hurt you now... because when you see them... you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died.... not being with their siblings. It doesn't fit. There is a piece missing. Your whole life doesn't fit anymore. Everything that felt right, now feels wrong and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control..... MISSING.......Next comes the "firsts". First birthday without them. First anniversary of death and at first, you count the days, weeks, and months since they passed. Your first Christmas without them, etc. When everyone is singing tra-la-la and jingle bells.... you won't be. Your heart will be too heavy. The hurt will be so intense you will marvel that you can get out of bed each morning. Every morning when you take your other children to school you'll be reminded that you AREN'T taking one too. You'll see their friends going on with their lives and it will cut you to the quick. When they all graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school..... your child won't. When you start getting wedding invitations in the mail for these other children, you'll be reminded again of your loss.Don't forget that when you go shopping; you'll see things that you wanted to buy for your deceased child and many times you will still buy them anyway. You'll see places the two of you USED to go and sometimes sit in the parking lot and remember that special day.At home when you prepare a favorite meal of the child who is gone; it won't taste the same to you. The pictures, cards they made for you or sent you, the toys and other possessions of your child.... will be both harmful.... and helpful. They are a link to the past, a way to remember more about what you've lost and at the same time; they are a link to the past and a way to remember more about what you've lost.Remember....... That family portrait you were always so proud of? Well, it will take on a whole new meaning now.A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.... that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss. With other losses, you grieve and you are of course sad, but, when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist... gone just like that..... gone no warning, JUST GONE.And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are - are Gone!!!That is why when parents who have lost children hear.. "I want the old you back", "It's been a year (a month, 6 months-whatever), don't you feel better yet?" ,"You are doing this to yourself, You're making it harder on yourself", "Grief can become a selfish thing you know"...we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on.So.... were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? Even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain. I would not wish this on anyone.... but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is? Imagine you feeling this way 24/7; not even getting a moments relief from it!Now, go on and put in your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music.....go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch him smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding onto this. I know that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours...... you haven't got a clue.When you hear these words "the presence of his absence is everywhere".... will you finally understand?Didn't mean to ask too much of you. Believe it or not. I could write dozens of other things for you to imagine. Fortunately for you, it's only an exercise. But I live it every day.IF you have had the guts to stick it out to here.....remember; this was just a little exercise. I don't think you will be so quick to utter those words now. Not if you really did imagine.Alan Carnahan - In the memory of my son, Crawford Alan Carnahan............August 21,1988 to May 11, 2007
